Austin's declaration

It is encouraging when you hear God say: "You are doing great! Keep on running the race. You are bearing good fruit. Don't give up. I am so proud of you!"

This happened the other day through the voice of my son. We were out of town at the breakfast table and I bought up the subject of each one of us having the best day of our life. That led to the question- what has been the best day of your life so far? As my daughter was scrolling through her 8 year life history, my son Austin quickly declared his Top 3 list. He was perfectly clear concerning the 3 best days he has had in his entire 11 3/4 years on the planet. His declaration was passionate and detailed.

The powerful thing about his list was this- each "best day of my life" was a day that he and I had spent the whole day together(two of the days were part of previous father-son retreats- just he and I). The other similarity was that each day contained an outdoor adventure that was challenging and exhilerating for the both of us.

I was reminded that my son has a desperate need for his father to get off his selfishness and lead his son into great adventures that will train him to be the man God wants him to be. He hungers for his dad to pour large chunks of time into loving him. He wants to be challenged and learn to overcome his fears while experiencing the excitement of doing new things in life.

God was showing me that my efforts were not in vain. And more importantly, as my son turns 12 in 3 more months, He was asking me to get an even bigger vision of leading my son into the great adventure of real manhood!

Lemonade anyone?

I just finished the Master Cleanse, also known as the Lemonade Diet. The cleanse consisted of drinking a concoction of water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and my favorite... cayenne pepper for as many days as you are able( or until you are completely clean) while consuming absolutely NO food. After losing 9 lbs. in 8 days I decided to cross the finish line. I didn't plan on losing that much weight. I also took a herbal laxative tea each day to help flush out compacted matter that had been stuck in my digestive tract since I was an adolescent. I was greatly inspired by the cleanse conducted by a man who pooped out a marble that he had ingested 22 years earlier! WOW... what an awesome feat. I was not as fortunate- I never expelled any antique treasures such as his.

The cleanse turned out to be much more than I bargained for. I was shocked at my addiction to food. Although the lemonade kept me from getting ravenous each day, I found myself drawn toward food because of the emotional fix it has always given me. I was angry each time I realized that food was off limits and I daydreamed of the day that I could raid the pantry any time that I was emotionally drained and needed a quick fix. I was saddened to see the real me... When life gets tough, don't go to God, just fix a peanut butter sandwich!

It is not only the obese that abuse food, it is guys like me that try to eat healthy but still eat for the primary purpose of escaping the pains of life. Marriage difficulties? Eat a Cheese-It. Financial problems? A cookie will do the trick. Kids struggling? Lay's potato chips and chocolate ice cream will always be a faithful friend.

What ever happened to the pantry that contained the Bread of Life?

the real thing

I grew up in the sleepy little town of Lindale, Texas. It seemed as if the population stayed at 2,500 for several decades. Last year Wal-Mart and Lowes moved in and the town finally woke up. Lindale was one of the most fascinating places for a Christian to live. It seemed to be the Jesus capital of the world: 50 churches, dozens of parachurch ministries, powerful music ministries galore. People came from all over the planet to be trained, blessed, commissioned, preached at, ministered to, and prayed over.

At the age of 23 I graduated college and moved back to good ol' Lindale and became a full time staff minister at a local Baptist church. It was a wild and crazy 8 years! We grew from 90 to 750 and then grew back down to 250 people showing up on Sunday morning! I am forever grateful for this 8 year season of my life for this one reason- I watched Godly people commit horrendous sins.

At first I was confused and outraged to see these repected global musicians and ministers spiritually abuse so many Christians. The lying, manipulating, and egotistic demands was sickening. I met a guy who was still emotionally paralyzed 10 years after the spiritual abuse he received from one famous minister. Did these ministries bear good fruit? Definitely so. And yet the devastation continued as spitual leaders misused the power that God had given them. The ugliness showed up in both the churches and the parachurch ministries. As a pastor I was forced into seeing the intimate details of much of this kingdom chaos and I hated every bit of it. Was this really the Jesus Capital of the World?

But, don't get me wrong. I was not just an innocent spectator in these acts of mutilating Christ's body "in the name of Jesus." I became a participant. I joined a team of gossipers and helped to get a wonderful Sr. Pastor removed from his church. It took me over a year to have my blinders removed and see my sin. I am thankful that this man recieved my confession and forgave me.

So why am I thankful that I got to watch all of this Christian crap? It forced me to ask the big question-

What is REAL Christianity?

I had seen all of the professional Christianity and wanted to vomit. God would not let me give up on faith and throw it all out the window. I am thankful for that. He wanted me to discover the real thing and live it with gusto. So what is the real thing?

I had to admit that it was not ministry, prayer, evangelism, church, Bible study, prophecy, worship, or committing your life to serving God. It is not hearing God, healing the sick, performing miracles, or being filled with the spirit (feel free to disagree with any of this!).

It is this....loving others.

Spiritual schizophrenia

I am learning to embrace the crazy paradox of the Jesus life. It is a wild roller coaster, a dizzying experience. What I mean is this- Everything in my life has at least two truths that seem to oppose one another. Today I looked at God and saw his incredible LOVE for me... nothing I can do can decrease his love at all. It stays at 100% each millisecond for the next billion years. Whether I become a serial murderer or redeem an entire continent for His glory- his love remains the same. It is an absolute impossibility for God's affection and emotions towards me to be anything other than passionate, unconditional love. This is beyond my comprehension. It seems way to good to be true. And yet it is the truth of all truths for me.

I also thought about the other truth concerning the Father's relationship with me. He HATES each and every one of my sins. There are no unselfish motives that escape his attention. And he despises them all. He is staring me in the face each time that I choose to not trust him. I will say it again- My God hates my sin.

So do we spend some of our time each day doubled over with the pain that real repentance brings, aching over the death that our sin has caused in others, as well as grieving over the fact that we have sinned against God? Yes, this is our privelege!

And do we immediately follow this anguish with unbridled joy knowing that we have been totally forgiven, allow ourselves to be overwhelmed with awe because the Creator of the universe knows our name, watches us day and night, and is committed to protecting, providing, and blessing us every day for the rest of our time on earth? Of course we do!

To me, this is the bare essence of God- He loves me more than I will ever comprehend and He hates my sin more than I will ever know. I get to respond each day with a healthy dose of agony and joy. Peter Kreeft says that "Christ shows us both our greatness (thus destroying our despair) and our wretchedness (thus destroying our pride) together." This is why I like the Jesus life- it is impossible to get the blahs. It's either dancing or crying--there is no boredom. You and I must perfect the Christian multiple personality disorder- it is a must. We are like crazy balls bouncing up and down, all around. The paradoxes hit you at every turn. And this is good.

Take a look at marriage. If you were to interview my wife she might describe me as the most selfish man on the planet. I still haven't fixed the kitchen drawer that broke 7 days ago. I spend too much time at this computer. I gripe about the way she spends our money. I struggle in really listening to her heart. I judge her and criticize her (often times with out words) daily. I am demanding in our sex life together. I don't spend enought time with the kids. I think that I am the spiritual expert on everything. And that is just the beginning!

But wait...she may decide to tell you the other truth about me. I am her perfect provision. there is no man alive that can meet her needs- only me. I know her weaknesses and still love her deeply every day. I make her laugh like no one can. I have sacrificed many dreams in order to provide for her and give her an awesome life. My embrace is a healing force in her life. I have the power to love her in life changing ways. I am the only perfect man for her.

Which truth about me will she choose? They both are true. I hope she chooses both. I desperately need her painful feedback and her words of thanks.

Take a look at more of the craziness-

God is my protector, yet I could be smashed in a car wreck tomorrow.
God's Spirit is in me and yet there is nothing good in me (Rom. 7:18)
God is a healer and so many times he doesn't heal.
We are commanded to be perfect as God is perfect, yet no one has come close to perfection!

Think about your church. Is it a group of weak individuals that really don't give a rip about you, or are they compassionate servants for Christ? Both descriptions fit my church. And your church too.

I have trouble with the multiple truths of the Kingdom. My 18.5 years of public education trained me to always look for the one best answer. The way to make a good grade was to study the right answers and regurgitate them back during test time. I have been brainwashed in this way. For instance, what is the correct answer to the following equation:

2+3=

a. 4
b. 5
c. 6
d. -5

The correct answer is 5 and -5.

This make no sense to me. Nor to you. The correct answer has to be 5 you say. You will probably refuse to believe that both answers are correct. I want to agree with you. And yet I am asking you to choose both numbers as equally correct. And be fine with it.

My academic mind has caused much damage to the cause of Christ. I wrongly believed that being right had value in the Kingdom. (Don't get uptight- I'm not talking about moral values). The Pharisees could only see one truth when they looked at the prostitute- her sin. What a shame. This is the ugly power of the religious mind- it doesn't see and embrace the insane paradox of every person and situation.

I have a godly friend whose only son is homosexual. Can he truly unconditionally love his son, accept his sexual choice, and view homosexuality as a sin? Can he deeply enjoy his son and stay away from the death of a judgemental spirit? Can he commit to love his son even if he never changes?

If you were this man, could you? Seriously, could you?!

Wow this blog has gotten long-winded! I will sum it up. I am committed to getting set free from having to understand life(both mine and yours!) When I embrace at a deep level that God's ways are higher than my ways there is tremendous freedom! There is great peace and joy by admitting that I am totally clueless. I got paid for many years as a minister to have the "right answer". What a joke! Guess what? My wife doesn't need my right answers today. Neither does my children or my friends.

So what do I do with my neatly packaged theology that I have worked so hard for so many decades to learn and organize in my heart and mind? Good question.

It would nice if I could trade it in for a brand new Toyota Tundra. The truck would be much more useful.

The good fruit of grand failures

A friend struggling in his marriage asked to meet with me the other day. I showed up and listened. Then I told him the beautiful truth about my marriage. I told him that my relationship with my wife is near perfect and we have had almost no conflict in over 12 years of marriage. How was that for a good joke? All kidding aside, I revealedto him all of the pain we have gone through the last 2 years- my wife losing all feelings of love for me, my total blindness to my judgements and critical spirit towards her, her commitment to divorcing me but not going through with it, my loneliness, depression, and suicidal thoughts, bucketfuls of tears, hatred towards God, sleepless nights, and on and on.

He called me the next week and expressed a deep, heartfelt thank you for my honesty in sharing such painful truth. My words had touched him and given him hope in his own marital journey. When I hung up the phone I was overwhelmed with emotion. I experienced a profound sense of joy by being able to offer up my brokenness as a gift to this friend.

It has been 21 years since I first felt the call to live my life for the purpose of ministering to others. I have spent many of those years as a ministry expert- giving biblical solutions for people's spiritual problems. I thought a preaching a good sermon was the same thing as making disciples. I really thought I was good minister. And that was exactly my problem. I was being a "good minister" instead of being the real me. My ego grew much while the Kingdom grew little. But the real calling is this- I get to connect my failures with the failures of others and watch Jesus transform us both. Wow!

I don't want to waste any of my past sins, pain, and brokenness! There are a lot of people that can be transformed by my personal story of redemption. I pray that I have eyes to see these people today and the guts to tell them the truth, both God's truth and mine.

What on earth is a Real Disciple?

I couldn't find any domains names that somebody else hadn't already grabbed. After hours of frustrating searches on Go Daddy I chose realdisciple.com. Then it hit me. I had picked a terribly egotistic name. Come to my blog everyone- I am the REAL disciple and can show you how to also become a REAL disciple! Talk about being the Pharisee. No wonder nobody had chosen this domain name. It smacks of ugly pride.

But last week it hit me. Being a Jesus disciple is simply... being real. That's it.

Portaying the real me to the world, as well as to myself, is appealing. It is also offensive to me. I find great comfort in my denial, and my good intentions make me feel all good and spiritual. But I have to admit that it is all foolishness and a total waste of my life. The apostle Paul shakes me up as I read his words once again this morning: "I will boast in my infirmities, I take pleasure in my weaknesses." 2 Cor. 12:9-10. The guy has got to be kidding! My dictionary says that an infirmity is defined by weakness, feebleness, sickness, character flaw. Paul goes on to say that he takes pleasure in all of these: needs, persecutions, distresses, and reproaches. How on earth can this be the healthy DNA of the Christian life? And it is. Embracing every ounce of my utter frailty is where life in Christ begins and ends!! I know this to be true. And I don't like it one stinking bit. I admit that I have become addicted to my lifestyle of exagerating my strengths and ignoring my desparate neediness! HELP!

Two hours ago I met a newcomer to our neighborhood. She is going through a divorce and has two small children. I felt sorry for her then, but now feel as if I am being moved towards a new perspective. I am staring at Paul's words. And I am tempted to believe the good news of his insane message. It is this- when she is weak, then, and only then, is she strong. What about me today. The inverse of this truth is tempting: When Brian is strong, then he is really a spiritual wimp, totally impotent of god's life and power.

My weaknesses are my greatest attributes. So why do I spend so much energy pretending like I am the mighty man of Christianity all the while completely missing the target of the real Jesus life? Why do I allow myself to be decieved? Why am I so driven to impress my church friends? Why do I choose to live in denial and miss out on "the power of Christ resting upon me. (verse 9)." Why am I wasting my life? Why am I modeling such a twisted form of Christianity to those that I think I am discipling ? Why do I settle for an external form of joy and intimacy with God when the real thing is right in front of my nose? Why? Why? Why?

The promise is beautiful. Totally cool. Here it is. Right in front of me. And I have never realized until now that this sentence is the only red letters (Jesus quote) in the whole book of 2 Corinthians. Get ready. Here we go-

" My strength is made perfect in your weakness!"

The pefect strength of God. Available to me today. Sounds pretty good. I wonder what I will do with this truth today. Will I let it change my life? Will I be the REAL me today?

Two-Faced or True-Faced?

I've envisioned this blog for several years now. So I finally get it off and running and....nothing!
I 'm stuck. There are no blog thoughts to be found in my heart, mind, soul, or little toe. What's the deal? It has been almost two and a half months since the launch date and the grand opening is finally being presented. So I had to ask myself the question- Why??

The answer came quickly. FEAR. I was fearful to carry out the intened mission of this blog: gut level honesty about my (and yours too) painful struggle in following Jesus. So I am wrestling with the question right now as I peck away on the keyboard- Do I have the guts to embrace my reality, and do I have even more boldness to lay it on the table in this blog? As a former vocational minister it is great fun to disect my spirituality. I love to impress others. But my spirituality and my reality are 2 completely different animals.

The raw reality of my heart is not a pretty sight and I am realizing that this truth is my greatest attribute. My fears, sins, unfullfilled desires, pride, judgements, lusts, pain, murderous thoughts, and so much more... it is me. I choose every day to reject God and choose death multiple times. Each hour I deliberately choose to sin. This is me.

So here is the choice- act the Pharisee or humble myself and be the beautiful, broken person that I am. Which will I choose? Maybe it will help me to remember that Jesus always deeply enjoyed hanging out with the drunkards, but cussed the local pastors of his day. What do I want Jesus to do with me today- enjoy me or cuss me?