Spiritual schizophrenia

I am learning to embrace the crazy paradox of the Jesus life. It is a wild roller coaster, a dizzying experience. What I mean is this- Everything in my life has at least two truths that seem to oppose one another. Today I looked at God and saw his incredible LOVE for me... nothing I can do can decrease his love at all. It stays at 100% each millisecond for the next billion years. Whether I become a serial murderer or redeem an entire continent for His glory- his love remains the same. It is an absolute impossibility for God's affection and emotions towards me to be anything other than passionate, unconditional love. This is beyond my comprehension. It seems way to good to be true. And yet it is the truth of all truths for me.

I also thought about the other truth concerning the Father's relationship with me. He HATES each and every one of my sins. There are no unselfish motives that escape his attention. And he despises them all. He is staring me in the face each time that I choose to not trust him. I will say it again- My God hates my sin.

So do we spend some of our time each day doubled over with the pain that real repentance brings, aching over the death that our sin has caused in others, as well as grieving over the fact that we have sinned against God? Yes, this is our privelege!

And do we immediately follow this anguish with unbridled joy knowing that we have been totally forgiven, allow ourselves to be overwhelmed with awe because the Creator of the universe knows our name, watches us day and night, and is committed to protecting, providing, and blessing us every day for the rest of our time on earth? Of course we do!

To me, this is the bare essence of God- He loves me more than I will ever comprehend and He hates my sin more than I will ever know. I get to respond each day with a healthy dose of agony and joy. Peter Kreeft says that "Christ shows us both our greatness (thus destroying our despair) and our wretchedness (thus destroying our pride) together." This is why I like the Jesus life- it is impossible to get the blahs. It's either dancing or crying--there is no boredom. You and I must perfect the Christian multiple personality disorder- it is a must. We are like crazy balls bouncing up and down, all around. The paradoxes hit you at every turn. And this is good.

Take a look at marriage. If you were to interview my wife she might describe me as the most selfish man on the planet. I still haven't fixed the kitchen drawer that broke 7 days ago. I spend too much time at this computer. I gripe about the way she spends our money. I struggle in really listening to her heart. I judge her and criticize her (often times with out words) daily. I am demanding in our sex life together. I don't spend enought time with the kids. I think that I am the spiritual expert on everything. And that is just the beginning!

But wait...she may decide to tell you the other truth about me. I am her perfect provision. there is no man alive that can meet her needs- only me. I know her weaknesses and still love her deeply every day. I make her laugh like no one can. I have sacrificed many dreams in order to provide for her and give her an awesome life. My embrace is a healing force in her life. I have the power to love her in life changing ways. I am the only perfect man for her.

Which truth about me will she choose? They both are true. I hope she chooses both. I desperately need her painful feedback and her words of thanks.

Take a look at more of the craziness-

God is my protector, yet I could be smashed in a car wreck tomorrow.
God's Spirit is in me and yet there is nothing good in me (Rom. 7:18)
God is a healer and so many times he doesn't heal.
We are commanded to be perfect as God is perfect, yet no one has come close to perfection!

Think about your church. Is it a group of weak individuals that really don't give a rip about you, or are they compassionate servants for Christ? Both descriptions fit my church. And your church too.

I have trouble with the multiple truths of the Kingdom. My 18.5 years of public education trained me to always look for the one best answer. The way to make a good grade was to study the right answers and regurgitate them back during test time. I have been brainwashed in this way. For instance, what is the correct answer to the following equation:

2+3=

a. 4
b. 5
c. 6
d. -5

The correct answer is 5 and -5.

This make no sense to me. Nor to you. The correct answer has to be 5 you say. You will probably refuse to believe that both answers are correct. I want to agree with you. And yet I am asking you to choose both numbers as equally correct. And be fine with it.

My academic mind has caused much damage to the cause of Christ. I wrongly believed that being right had value in the Kingdom. (Don't get uptight- I'm not talking about moral values). The Pharisees could only see one truth when they looked at the prostitute- her sin. What a shame. This is the ugly power of the religious mind- it doesn't see and embrace the insane paradox of every person and situation.

I have a godly friend whose only son is homosexual. Can he truly unconditionally love his son, accept his sexual choice, and view homosexuality as a sin? Can he deeply enjoy his son and stay away from the death of a judgemental spirit? Can he commit to love his son even if he never changes?

If you were this man, could you? Seriously, could you?!

Wow this blog has gotten long-winded! I will sum it up. I am committed to getting set free from having to understand life(both mine and yours!) When I embrace at a deep level that God's ways are higher than my ways there is tremendous freedom! There is great peace and joy by admitting that I am totally clueless. I got paid for many years as a minister to have the "right answer". What a joke! Guess what? My wife doesn't need my right answers today. Neither does my children or my friends.

So what do I do with my neatly packaged theology that I have worked so hard for so many decades to learn and organize in my heart and mind? Good question.

It would nice if I could trade it in for a brand new Toyota Tundra. The truck would be much more useful.